


Acceptance

by thehavenofourdreams



Category: Downton Abbey
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-03
Updated: 2015-06-03
Packaged: 2018-04-02 17:18:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4068139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thehavenofourdreams/pseuds/thehavenofourdreams
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thomas was tired.<br/>He felt it deep in his bones, in his mind and it weighed upon every action he took, every decision he made.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Acceptance

**Author's Note:**

> Hi I've been on here for a while now but never actually posted anything and thought maybe it's about time I do. I really love Thomas as a character he is so complex and I've wanted to write something on him for a while and thought what the heck, he's a great character to write about and I hope I've done him justice. I don't want to go on so basically if you like it please leave some feedback or even kudos if you like it that much. I'll take anything said on board and hopefully improve things for any other fic I may write. Okay then that's me done, please read on and hopefully enjoy x

Thomas was tired.  
He felt it deep in his bones, in his mind and it weighed upon every action he took, every decision he made.  
Thomas was tired.  
He was sick of the stares from people who thought he wasn’t looking. Eyes followed him. Watching him and waiting for him to slip up.  
Thomas was tired.  
He was fed up of the whispering hidden behind the billowing fabric of a torn blouse brought down to be made whole again. Voices pressed in on him with judgement evident in every syllable.  
Thomas was tired.  
He felt as though everything he had ever done wrong was haunting him. His mistakes laid bare in front of his fellow colleagues, like the ever perfect Anna who loved and was loved by everyone. He couldn’t be like that not ever. Although sometimes in the comfort of darkness he secretly admitted all he truly wanted was to be loved. But every morning pride took over once more and his feelings were pushed aside replaced with the constant dull emptiness.  
Thomas was tired.  
The ache went so deep he wasn’t sure he could ever shake it off. It cut deeper every time Jimmy glared at him with a look that Thomas could only describe as pure hatred. It even hurt when Alfred looked away in disgust whenever their eyes happened to meet. His pain was covered by the mask of indifference he made sure to put on every time he stepped outside his room and one he only let himself remove when he returned at night after another day of stares, whispering and judgement.  
Thomas was tired. But he wasn’t going to let that stop him.  
After the fair and the beating things did start to get better for Thomas. It started with Jimmy. Of course it started with Jimmy, it was always Jimmy. The glares levelled at him from the blonde haired beauty changed to tentative smiles that made Thomas’s stomach flutter despite his best attempts to squash the feelings – he knew in no uncertain terms it could never be – but still he couldn’t control his heart completely.  
The stares and whispers quietened down too after people found new things to gossip about like all of Lady Mary’s new suitors and how handsome they all were.  
Thomas even found himself being able to relax again in the servant’s hall of an evening without the oppressive O’Brien waiting for him to slip up. He no longer felt the overwhelming tiredness that seemed to dictate his life. Instead he felt lighter.  
He tried to analyse this feeling one evening in his room under the comforting blanket of darkness that he found helped him confess his inner most feelings, the kind that scare even the person to who these belong.  
His discovery shocked him but was something that was obvious to everyone who wasn’t Thomas.  
They accepted him.  
They may not like him all that much after the stealing, plotting and lying over the many years but they did accept him.  
It filled Thomas with a sense of belonging because there was no other place on the planet he could live where people knew who he was and not get thrown in prison.  
Maybe he should have realised this earlier. After all, Downton had become his home after all the years he had worked there for. Perhaps he should have realised that despite the walls he constructed and his prickly outward defences the people there had become like a second family to him. Dysfunctional and annoying they may be but they were there for him even now they knew his secret, especially because they knew his secret. The secret he had carried around his neck dragging him down his entire life.  
The morning after he had his epiphany Thomas got dressed in the light, smoked a cigarette by his window in the crisp air of early morning, straightened his shoulders and strolled out of his room leaving his mask on the drawers hidden away among his shaving things.  
He entered the servant’s hall with the grace he carried from his youth and a gleam in his eye people hadn’t seen in months. Instead of glares and whispering he was met with hidden smiles. He sat next to Carson at the head of the table with conviction safe in the knowledge he belonged here. Carson entered the hall and upon seeing Thomas nodded in his direction before taking his own seat. Just before Thomas started eating he looked up and caught Jimmy’s eye and instead of the scorn he still half expected, Jimmy smiled in acknowledgement before turning back to his conversation with Alfred. Despite it all everything was alright.  
Thomas Barrow felt alive.


End file.
